The Devil Wears a Sports Bra...

Jillian Michaels.

The very name sends shivers through my spine.

The sight of her tanned, skinny face makes me shudder and immediately begin searching for places to hide. Many say she is pretty, but I know differently- there is something lurking behind that plastic smile.

I had an experience with her that will forever have my stomach lurching at the very mention of her name.

Yes, I attempted the Jillian Michaels workout on Comcast On Demand... and I had a near death experience I will never forget.

First of all, let me just state that negative reinforcement is a contradiction in terms, and has NE-VER worked for me. Especially when I'm working out. I need to hear, "You're doing great!" or "I know its hard, but keep going!" These are positive phrases that get a positive reaction from me. Something that doesn't work so well is, "Come on... I have 400 lb clients who can do these jumping jacks, why can't you?!"

Ya.... doesn't work so well for me, ya know?

But, I was determined to stick it out through the whole 45 minutes. I mean, how hard can it be, right?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

After about 15 minutes I was glaring at her boney body on the screen and wishing ill things for her. At 20 minutes I was looking for something to throw- (only the rationalization that I wasn't prepared to fork out several hundred dollars for a new television over her stopped me from hurling my hand weights at the screen.)

"This is not a workout for someone who doesn't want to be fit! Move it, people!"
"If you think you're looking for the 'easy' level, you're not going to find it here!"
"If you can't do these jumping jacks, you're in the wrong place!"

At 25 minutes I was in tears and finally collapsed onto the floor in a heap. I was convinced I had no purpose walking upright on this planet. She had me questioning my own humanity- maybe I really DID derive from apes, and haven't finished deriving yet.

Suddenly, I saw a tunnel with a light at the end. It beconed me to come. My body began to feel lighter as I wafted through the tunnel toward the light. It wasn't until I reached the light that I looked down and found myself pushing the button on the remote control. I felt guided by some otherworldly power- "Turn the channel... turn the channel..."

I found myself looking at a woman- nay, an Angel- in black workout pants. She was smiling and saying, "You can do it!" Her voice was sweetly melodic as she spoke words of encouragement to me. "Don't worry if its hard at first, it will get easier, I promise." She was pulling me up, urging me back on my feet. I stood up and began walking in place, slowly at first- tiny steps. My injured self esteem not yet ready to come out of hiding.

"You can do it! Come on, feet... keep moving." I found myself moving more quickly, and soon I was up to pace with the goddess on television. Before I knew it, I was wiping the tears from my cheeks, and smiling. I could do it, just like the angel said. I WAS doing it!

I finished my workout. I vowed never again to listen to that devil, Jillian. I will follow that sweet angel from now on! I still wake up in the occasional cold sweat with visions of Jillian standing over my shivering heap on the floor, cracking a whip and saying "If you can't do this, you're in the wrong place!" It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Last night she suddenly appeared on the television, and I know she was giving me the dissappointed evil eye, but I quickly changed the channel and chanted, "I AM good enough!" Then I closed my eyes and pictured the angel lady in her black workout pants, urging me forward,"It will get easier..." and all was well.