(kind of long post, but it's what's been on my mind.)
I've really been thinking a lot lately about the image we present to the world. Having a blog, many more people see a bit of me than probably normaly would on a daily basis. (sorry, all you people out there who think I'm a psycho, unbalanced woman.... it's sort of true!) And often, things we write can be completely taken the wrong way.
When I taught the Beehives in Young Women, I really grew to feel kind of like they were my own girls. True, I didn't have to tell them to clean their rooms or get off the phone, but I was in charge of their spiritual guidance every Sunday, and had to be there for them during the week any time they needed me. I really started to think about the image I was presenting to them. Was I overly concerned with my appearance? Was I spending too much on clothing- trying to be hip and trendy? Was I watching television shows that weren't uplifting? Was I listening to music that helped to welcome the Spirit? Was I writing things on my blog that showed I was trying to rise above the dirt and filth of the world?
When I was in High School, I was on the seminary council. (I know... me???) I truly loved every minute of it, although I felt I was unworthy to hold such a responsibility. I was a good girl in high school- never drank, never partied too late. But I made a poor choice in retrospect when I went to prom. After the dance a bunch of us got a hotel room and hung out for the night. True, there were something like 5 couples in one room, how bad can that be, right? But when word got back to my seminary principal- well, he was less than thrilled with my actions. He told me some people had come to him concerned that I had done something bad. It made me really mad that someone would think that of me, and who's business was it anyway??? But he reminded me of the position I held, and that- although I felt it was ridiculous that anyone would, there were people that looked up to me and watched my actions.
I left that meeting feeling very low- like I had let him down, but angered as well. I didn't ask to be watched and judged, yet people felt it was their right to do so. However, through the years following, I've realized that, although I hadn't technically done anything wrong that night, the image I portrayed was not the best. I should have done better.
Having a blog has been really fun. It's kind of cool to be able to spew your thoughts onto the screen and have people comment on them. You get cheered on, patted on the back, probably glared at as well, but that's the cool part too--- you can't see or feel the glares! However, my husband was reading it one day (wonder of wonders!) and he was concerned that I was complaining about a particular thing too much. I told him of course I was being sarcastic- as I always am- and not to worry, no one would take me seriously. Well, a few days later someone said something to him- they had taken me totally seriously! At first I was shocked that they could have gotten that idea from my blog, but then my husband's words came back to me. I realized, I can't control what other's think about me, but I can control how I present it.
One day in our Young Women's class, the YW president talked about the music we listen to. She played a song that was a popular song on the radio at the time. It felt sooo wrong to listen to that in church. It was base, and degrading, and left me feeling dirty and guilty. Then she put on another song- this one was uplifting, spiritual, soft, and acted as a cleanser to wash away the icky feeling the other song had left. She then threw the first cd in the garbage and said, in front of all the young women, that she had loved that cd and had listened to it all the time, but she realized it wasn't good and she didn't want to have any part of it in her life anymore. I was so impressed that she would do that- show the girls that she had a weakness, but was willing to throw the disk away to help herself.
I am not in the Young Women anymore, but I still have a few of them come to me for advice from time to time, and I am in charge of 3 cub scouts every week now. I realize I am being watched without always being aware of it. I hope I can try to be a strength to them, and a good example of how Christ would want his daughters to live and to act. Oh, I'll probably always give someone the wrong idea about me in some form or another, (it seems to be a gift with me!) but I hope that I can try to be more mindful of what I put on my blog, what I watch on television, what I talk about when I'm with others.
Thanks for sticking with me through this! And remember, almost never take me seriously- unless I really want you to! (which, of course, would be now!)
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
(kind of long post, but it's what's been on my mind.)
Posted by Erin at 8:44 AM
Monday, July 27, 2009
Yesterday I wore my favorite skirt of all time. It's very bohemian looking- green and blue gauzy fabric and sparkly with little green beads I sewed on myself. I love how it feels- how it flows. It reminds me of the dress Luisa wore when she sang "I am 16 going on 17..." while she leaps from bench to bench. I always wanted a dress like that!
I was examining my skirt while sitting at church- noticing how the beads were beginning to fall off, how the fabric was fading- but I didn't care. When you love something so much, you don't care about the flaws- Kind of like husbands. They will often ask their wives, "Would you still love me if..." and insert something like, "if I lost a pinky"? We answer undoubtedly, of course! How could losing a pinky ever change who you are? What a ridiculous question, and we return to our simmering chili on the stove, smiling inwardly at our ever-constant hearts.
But, this happiness was not to last. Last night as I was carelessly walking barefooted around my yard, examining the fruits of my garden, enjoying the shade of the neighbor's tree, I brushed up against the house as I was walking to the front yard when I heard a horrifying ripping noise.
I looked down to see my dress had caught on some siding sticking out- and it was ruined. The front in tatters and shreds- the gauzy fabric too week and dainty to stand up to the sharp aluminum jutting out from the house.
I stared in despair at the gaping hole in the beautiful fabric. No more would I be able to swish around in lovliness- pretending to be waiting for my postman to bring me a letter and a kiss. (not my real postman... he's NOT cute like Rolf!) I guess when I said earlier that when you love something so much you don't care about its flaws, and I likened it to husbands, well, maybe that's not true. My skirt is now maimed beyond repair and I can't wear it anymore. The skirt that was so beloved is now an abhorance- a painful reminder that it is now flawed and imperfect.
I can't bring myself to throw it away, but I can't ever wear it again. It will forever sit in my closet staring shamefully at me as though it was responsible for its downfall. I, in return, will look quickly away- too ashamed of my own inconstancy as I shut the closet door. I will forever question, am I really just a fair weather friend? When you come to me in tatters, worn out and frail, will I turn from you, too?
Now, when my husband asks "Would you still love me if I lost a pinky?" I don't know what I will say. Can a person ever be whole again if they've lost a pinky?
Posted by Erin at 10:10 AM
Friday, July 24, 2009
I think we've hit that mark. You know, my husband and I. We've been married for almost 10 years now, and we pretty much can finish each other's sentences. Sometimes I don't even say something to him because I know what he'll say in response, and I know what I'll say in response to that, and.... well, the whole conversation is finished in my head without ever leaving my lips.
Do I really know you at all???
Last night my hubby and I went to see "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince". It was my second time, but I had no doubt in my mind my husband would love it every bit as much as I did, if not more.
Boy, was I wrong!
Everything that I loved about the movie, he hated! We left the theater with nothing to talk about. You know how you're not supposed to have awkward silences when you've been married for so long? Well, there was major awkward silence going on!
How could I have been so wrong about what he'd like?
Do I really know him at all???
Maybe the next 10 years won't be so boring after all... maybe there's more to this guy than I thought.
Maybe next time I'll be surprised and he'll suggest we go see a period drama based on a Jane Austin book.
Posted by Erin at 11:19 AM
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I picked the first fresh tomatoes from our garden the other day!!!! (I know, you're jealous, huh?)
Last night we had fresh mozzerella with tomatoes and fresh basil on crusty bread drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dinner- yummmmm! (I love dinners like this, they're easy and I don't have to do a lot of work, but still look like I'm being a good mom while being lazy!)
All night long I was thinking about how I can get fresh mozzerella for cheaper than the stores- it's expensive, and I would eat it all the time if I could! With fresh tomatoes from the garden, nothing's better!
So, I woke up, googled "homemade mozzerella" and I'm going to make some myself!
Apparently it isn't very hard, so I'll let you know how it goes!
The only problem now, is we've eaten all the fresh tomatoes from our garden, and there won't be any more for at least another week or two. :(
Posted by Erin at 8:43 AM
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I just sent my sister and her 3 kids up to my moms after she spent the week with me. She's homeless until she closes on her adorable house in Pleasant Grove.
I loved having them here! I love her kids, they are all so cute!
It was great to spend time with my sister, too. I've missed her sooooooo much, and I am soooooo excited she is moving back here!!!
I also just spent the last 4 hours cleaning my house from top to bottom- scraping sticky sucker off the carpet, vaccuuming smashed crackers out of the carpet, picking up cars in every corner of the house....
Yes, Jackson was here. (my 2 year old nephew). I call him Hurricane Jackson. But he's just so dang adorable! He yells "Help, Help!" whenever you pick him up to move him from a mess he is making. He even does it when his mom picks him up! Funny kid!
I forgot how much work it is to have little ones around! Thanks, sis, for coming to my house! Thanks for hanging with me at Lagoon, and being the best producer of adorable offspring!
Posted by Erin at 11:58 AM
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
My son takes after me.
(No... shrieks of horror are not appreciated, thank you!)
What I mean is that I like to do things myself. If I have a large piece of furniture I want moved, I don't want to wait for the man to come home from work and help me, I want it moved NOW!
My husband ofen comes home to a totally rearranged house. (That's what he gets for marrying someone who can't make up her mind!)
Yesterday, my son wanted a television moved into his room. I didn't want to move it right then so I told him I'd do it later.
The next thing I know, he has grabbed his cousin and they are both carrying the television!!!
Maybe he'll start rearranging the furniture in his room all by himself, next!
Posted by Erin at 9:11 AM
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I love two things....
Ok, I love way more than just two things, obviously...
But, I am thinking of two things in particular today that I love.
Zucchini and Harry Potter.
Although I have zucchini invading my home like the weird green fungus-y stuff on that weird Steven King show(if any of you saw that corny movie where the guy finds some strange green plant and touches it and it gets on his hand and he can't get it of, then it grows all over his house and his beer can and finally all over him, and the end of the show shows his entire house engulfed in the stuff...), I still love it. I love making bread out of it. I love making yummy cookies, and love dipping it in bread crumbs and frying it and making yogurt sauce to dip it in, and sauteing it with tomatoes and garlic, and making veggie lasagna out of it!
I also love that while I'm doing all of this great stuff with zucchini, the Family Channel is showing all of the Harry Potter movies in anticipation of the new one coming out this week!!!!
Harry Potter makes me happy!
Fresh zucchini bread makes me happy.
It's been a good day.
Posted by Erin at 9:37 PM
Thursday, July 9, 2009
This weekend should be interesting.
I just sent my hubby off to Youth Conference.
Hours and hours and hours of endless time spent listening to talk about teenager stuff- Girls, movies, music, who's hot, who's not, constant goofing around, constant partying....
Ok, maybe he will feel like he's at home with me, come to think of it!
That's right, 'round here it's all party, all the time, baby!
Speaking of which...
Did you ever know a Merry-Go-Round could be so exciting? Well, take a look at these pictures of me at Lagoon. People around my husband were laughing hysterically as he was taking these. I didn't realize how funny I looked until I saw the pictures myself. Boy, it sure looks like a rockin' ride!
(My poor child.)
Posted by Erin at 7:24 AM
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
It's that time again...
No, not the time to muck out my house and clean from top to bottom....
No... not the time I re-examine my new year's resolutions... (I didn't make any, remember?!)
No... not the time I bake gourmet cheesecakes for every friend who reads my blog... (actually, there's NEVER been a time like that, but you were hoping, weren't you?)
Actually, it's a time that comes far too often for any sane person. What? You're saying I'm not sane??? Well look who's talking!
No...It is the time when I re-examine my hair color.
(Ok... I see I've lost you. I know, this happens all the time... but just hear me out, ok?)
I have had many shades of hair before:
During my childhood, I was this: (Which isn't to say this is my "natural" hair color, it's just the color that grew out of my head when I was too young to choose for myself!)
Then, there was the unfortunate event in the late 80's, early 90's when my hair was only able to be who it truly wanted to be for a short time before the demands of society cried "Tame the beast!" : (I'm the one on the top left.)
Alas, due to my inability to completely mesh into society, I began coloring my hair to compensate for its lack of tame-ability. Here I am after having colored it a sort of burgundy color. It looks ok in the sun, but up close it was... well, kind of scarey!
Here, I was blond and well...... very blond! I liked it, though. It was easy to hide the few grey hairs I was developing at my tender young age of 18-ish....
At the present, I am back to red. A light, reddish red, but red.
And... (*sigh*) I am realizing that going prematurely grey isn't something you can avoid. I know most 20 year olds don't usually have this problem...(that's right, 20... something.... ish....!) But I am faced with the reality that my young angelic features are being dimmed by the increasingly grey hairs that insist upon forcing themselves into my otherwise perfect coiffure. I must do something about it, and I must act NOW!
So.... weighing the options once again. I guess I'll have to postpone my magazine shoot for Seventeen magazine yet again, until I can solve this problem.
It's a truly humbling experience... to be sure!
Posted by Erin at 2:14 PM
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Yes. I spent all day yesterday finishing a wedding cake for my cousin's wedding. Yes, it was hard work, but I really had fun doing it, and was so pleased with the final product.
The roses are fresh lavender roses and they looked so pretty. This is my favorite kind of rose!
The fondant is made with marshmallows if you can believe it! I will never use any other kind from now on- it was so easy to make and work with!
Bottom tier: white cake with raspberry (seedless) filling
Middle tier: chocolate cake with chocolate cream filling
Top tier: white cake with white filling
And I cleaned up both my kitchens last night even though I was dead tired so I wouldn't have to wake up and do it today! Yay me!!!!
Posted by Erin at 9:38 AM