Musings on death... and graveyards

Sunday was the anniversary of my Grandma's death. (I think it was the 5th anniversary.) Not the type of anniversary I would typically celebrate- but the whole extended family was going up to the cemetery to honor her memory. (Thanks to my aunt for helping me remember how to spell 'cemetery'!)

I love graveyards! They have always held a certain fascination for me- the hundreds and hundreds of lives, stories, loves, heartaches, bravery, hidden longings, talents- all gone from the earth. I have often gone to walk around and see which is the oldest headstone, or find who had the strangest name. Of course, there's a certain spook factor as well that accompanies any good cemetery. I even wrote a story once about a kid who plays a deadly game in a cemetery. (It was called "The Fate of One So Innocent"- it was destined to be a best seller, but it was way ahead of its time. I was 12, I think.)

I've always wanted to live next to a cemetery, too. How cool would that be- your neigbors would be totally quiet! I guess I've always had a certain fascination with death in general. I was dragged to more funerals as a kid than I can even count. My brother and I would dare eachother to touch the body- I was the only one who ever actually did it. (Hey! I think my brother ows me a dollar, come to think of it!) I used to have a little play organ and I would play funeral music on it- just for fun. Ya, I know... kind of creepy!

However, looking at my 95 year old grandpa at the cemetery the other day, watching him alone, without his sweet wife who's headstone was 4 feet away, and who painted a beautiful rainbow above us to let us know she was watching- well, it was almost too much for me. I want him to go. Is that bad? I want him to be able to die and be with my grandma again. I want him to be able to see, to read, to whistle... (ok, well, half-whistle... he never could actually whistle), to chase grandkids, to fix things, to quiz me on what I learned, to be my grandpa again. I will miss him dearly, I already do. Most of him has already gone, I think. He so longs to be free from his failing body, but when his body is gone- then he'll really be gone! I'll be going back to that same spot of ground in the cemetery and seeing two death dates on that stone. I'll be grandparentless.

I know they live on. I know I will see them again. I hope when grandpa goes he will find some sweet spirit up there to send down to me. Then I can say, yes, you knew your great grandpa- he picked you out! (I think my grandma is having too hard a time deciding which one to send! Either that, or she started telling them a story and hasn't finished yet!)

I hope I will make them proud while I muddle through figuring things out down here.So much of who I am I owe to my grandparents. The funny thing is, though, I probably won't visit their graves much at all. I know they aren't there. I know they have better things to do than hang around old graveyards waiting for people they knew to come visit. Most people don't love cemeteries as much as I do. Heck, when I die I won't hang around my gravesite either. I'll be checking out all the other tombstones and comparing!

Day at the Fair

I took my son to the fair yesterday afternoon. I LOVE the state fair! I grew up just a few block from the fairgrounds and we would walk there every year on opening day. (it's always cheaper! Only $2 yesterday.) I love the strange people, the delicious smells of cinnamon almonds, roasted chicken, indian fry bread, and popcorn as you walk down the fairway.

I adore looking at the beautiful art and seeing the hard work people have put into their craft projects. I actually got weepy looking at the art done by incredibly talented children. My son was entralled with the man that was painting in the art building- he didn't want to leave!

I used to be so scared when walking through the building with the bulls and cows- and I still am! I think- the only thing holding them is a measly rope, what if it breaks? Some don't look too happy there, what if they go postal and we all get trampled? My son, however, has no fear. One cow had just been hosed down and they were trying to get it back into this gate thing to brush it down and it did NOT want to go back in. My son just walks right up next to it as its pulling and tugging against the guy holding on to him. I finally grabbed him and made him stand back- having visions of a smashed kid on the floor!

I let my little guy ride the ponies, grateful for having just the one kid for once because it cost $4 to do it! He loved it, though. I loved watching him love it!

We were only there a few hours, but it was such a nice time, and my kid really seemed to enjoy the art and craft exhibits more this year. Sometimes its just nice to get out and enjoy a day at the fair!

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Ok. If you can't tell from the title, I was surrounded by boys all day long yesterday!!! I felt like a lone fish swimming in a sea of testosterone!

Firstly, I made lunch for 40 missionaries and then they serenaded us 4 kitchen ladies afterword. At first I was in heaven, I mean, who wouldn't be when you're completely surrounded by super-cute young men singing just to you? It was one of my life's dreams.... until I got thinking about how much older I am than they are, and how long it's been since I was that age, and how old I must look to them. I mean, technically I COULD be their mother! That... is a freaky thought! (by technically, I mean, if I was a total HO at age 15.... that kind of technically.)

Then, last night was cub scout pack meeting, and yes, I am the den mother AND mother of a cub scout, so I had to be in attendance. And Yes, I was the ONLY female in the room! The scout leader kept saying "you can have your dads help you in this part," and then awkwardly say, "and your mom, too, if she wants."

I proved I am woman hear me roar, however, when we had the tool guessing segment. He held up several tools and we had to guess what they were. Out of about
20, I only missed one! Yay me! I actually didn't really miss it, I just didn't know the technical name for it, but I knew what it was for. I was sure glad when my husband came in from Young Men to visit, though. He is the testerosterone half of our union, although it is quite possible I've used more of those tools than he has! (Ok, that's not fair, he did take wood shop in high school, and I was home-ec queen.I didn't start my do-it-yourself home repair job until I lived by myself in college.)

Needless to say, I am feeling quite de-feminated, if that's even a word. I think I need some serious craft store time, and maybe even get my hair colored. I may even watch "Princess Diaries" or "The Prince and Me" or.... ok, it's always going to be "Pride and Prejudice", who am I kidding?! So don't bother me today, I'm being a girl.

No Boys Allowed!!!!

Stargate, crepes, and sharks.

Ahhh......

What better way is there to spend a lazy Labor Day morning than eating crepes, snuggling with my family watching "Stargate"?

We're off to the Conference center to see the art exhibit, and then back home to rest. We're all nursing colds and ickys, so we don't want to overdue it too much. I guess the hike will have to wait for another day.

Oh. I dreamed we were on our cruise to Mexico, and the captain of the ship kept trying to catch sharks on the nose of the ship by jumping giant waves and then letting the nose dip way down in the water to scoop them up. He was laughing and thought it was just wonderful while the passengers were all running for their lives.

I think maybe I can liken it to the stresses I've been under lately. Someone up there thinks it's great fun to watch while I'm down here struggling to keep my head above water!

It's nice to have a day off!

Ugh..... then some soul searching

I'm exhausted, and its friday.

Its been a busy week- school starting, PTA planning, tomato canning, zuchini bread making, salsa canning, floor mopping, parent-teacher conferencing, dentist going, cavity finding, Avon selling.....sheesh!

I am NOT superwoman, nor shall I EVER be... EVER!

I've been feeling discouraged about that today, how some women can juggle a million things and still be vibrant and vivacious. I wish I could be like that. Oh, I can put on a happy face and perk up for company, but you don't see the closets stuffed with the dirty laundry I didn't have a chance to get to.

I've decided, however, that I can only be who I am. I can wish I were taller, thinner, naturally blonder, wittier, more organized-er, but no matter what I do, there are things that will inherantly always be me. I can put on heels, but I'll always be 5'3". I can dye my hair, but I'll always have those sneaking grays lurking. I can watch Audrey Hepburn movies 'til the cows come home and wish I was that elegant, that refined, but I really am limited by nature. I am who I am. All I can do is be the best "me" that I can.

I used to love it when I'd catch a deep chest cold. My voice would get deeper, more sultry. I loved that! I always wanted a deep sexy voice I could drip all over people while wearing a curve-hugging red dress. I was born with a high soprano voice- pure and simple fact. I can't go around licking doorknobs and hoping I'll catch a cold so I can be the sultry one again. Nope- I'm born to be a soprano. But that's not so bad.

So, I can feel sorry for myself, or I can say "This is who I am- take it or leave it." One person took it, and he's a fabulous husband- so patient and loving, and he makes me laugh. He loves me for who I am, and I think he knows who that is better than I do sometimes. He reminds me that I am all he needs, or wants, and that I am enough.

I'm glad for that- to be "enough". Short, mood hair, chipped nail polish, disorganized, speak- before- I- think, little me.

Today, I am enough- imperfections and all.

Avon calling.... eeeeek!

Well, I've done it.

I've signed up to sell Avon.

I love the makeup, really I do! But the memory of my mom's Avon "man" haunts me to this day. He (yes, it was really a man! I know!) used to come to our house and plop himself down on our living room floor, spreading his wares out all across our floor. He also sold Amway, and Jaffra... and... well, I can't remember it all. But I would stand there staring in complete confusion whenever he'd come. A guy selling Avon??? However, he did have TONS of mini trial lipsticks which I just loved. But should your Avon representative have plumber's butt?

Anyway, I signed up because I love the makeup and I figured I might as well get the seller's price. That's it. And, no, I don't have plumber's butt!

So, if you're interested in trying Avon, or love Avon and don't currently have a rep, go ahead and click here. I promise not to spread my wares across your living room, or flash you my moon!

Something's wrong.... it's too quiet around here!

He's gone.

My little buddy left me this morning at 8:15 for school.

3rd grade! I REMEMBER 3rd grade!!!! I was way older than my little guy when I was in 3rd grade! (Ok, not really... it's not like I was held back in kindergarten until I was 12 or anything!) But, in my head I was older.

I found out his old girlfriend is in his class this year. They have been "together" since kindergarten, except for a little bump in their "relationship" last spring when he accidentally hit her in the head with a ball at recess and they broke up. (this is insane! I never did this when I was a kid! Ok, there was that Eddie Fisher incident in 3rd grade when I screamed out over the kick-soccer field that I loved him and wanted to be the mother of his children. He avoided me after that for some odd reason. Hmmm..... can't think why.)

After the ball incident he wasted no time asking another girl to be his girlfriend. When they saw eachother during the summer one day she shyly whispered "are we still... you know?" to which he replied coolly, "Ya. It's not over until I say it's over." Kinda freaky, actually. Like that afterschool special when the boyfriend doesn't want his girlfriend to leave him so he threatens to kill her. Still, I wanted to laugh, but couldn't let him know I had heard, you know. I want him to feel comfortable coming to me someday to let me know he is interested in a girl and may want to.... hold her hand. (I expect that won't be until he's at least.... 30... but it's good to be prepared, right?)

So, who knows what drama will unfold today when Kristin finds out he's "with" the other girl, or if he'll just toss the new girl aside. This is WAY more interesting than "Days of Our Lives" ever was! Well, except for when Marlena got amnesia, or was it abducted by aliens? I can't remember exactly. I missed a lot of Psych 101 because of that, though.

I will wait on the edge of the couch for when my little guy comes home today. (Yes, He has asked me if I will please let him walk home alone. He didn't say it was too embarrassing to have me pick him up yet, so that's good. And he even gave me a kiss when I left him at school today, albeit a very short one, and he took off running after his friends as soon as it was finished. I think they understood, though. They also had moms not ready to release them from their duty as a good son. They gave him a look as if to say- "Ya, dude- we got at least another year, too, before our mom's can make it through the day without a goodbye kiss. I hear ya-"

So? What will I do with my new-found solitude? Well, I've got 15 tomato plants overflowing with ripe juicy tomatoes, and a pile of ironing I've put off for about 2 weeks, so there'll be no sitting on the side of the bathtub with my head in my hands sobbing over the loss of my baby to the jaws of that great and spacious building down the street. Not this year.

There is a bit of peace that comes from knowing I won't have to entertain, give orders, remind not to do somethings, remind to do other things, poke, prod, and generally lose my patience all too early in the morning anymore. That doesn't come until 3! For now, I think I'll just enjoy the peace and quiet- and then get back to work.