Book of rememberance... or torture?

Yesterday I compiled all the pictures I could find of my little dog, Nappy, and uploaded them to Walgreen's website.I carefully added the pictures, wrote cute little captions, and arranged them so they'd look good in the book. I wanted it to be a surprise for my son when he got home from school. I was so proud of myself when I finished it. I drove to the store and picked it up a half hour later. It looked great! I was so pleased with myself.

My son came home from school and he looked at it and....cried.

"Mom, why did you have to do this? It makes me so sad."

Pththththththththt......... (balloon deflating)  So much for that idea!

We sat on the bed and looked through it together, and talked about the happy memories with Nappy. We both felt better. And now we both want to look at the book constantly.

Last night when we went to bed, we looked at it one more time. Then, my son wanted to take it to bed, but I wouldn't let him because I wanted to look at it myself. Bad mother? Well, I hung pictures of the dog up by his bed so he could look at them as he fell asleep, and he wouldn't crush the book in his sleep. See? Good mother!

But my husband pointed out last night that I forgot to add two of the best pictures in the book. I looked, and sure enough, they were missing! How could that happen? I had put them on the website myself! They even had funny captions! I guess in my haste to hurry and finish before my son got home I moved them off the page on the template and forgot to put them back. Grrrrr.....
            

So, the book isn't perfect. I'll have to paste those pictures in myself. But at least I have something I can look at that makes me smile....most of the time.... and comforts me when I'm weepy. My sweet little Nappy's face. Oh, how we will miss it!

Napoleon "Nappy" Fritz Taylor

Napoleon "Nappy" Fritz Taylor March 4, 2000 - April 21, 2012 Nappy came as a surprise for my birthday 12 years ago. He was a tiny white puffball, and I adored him. He has always been my little friend- always by my side. He would always greet me at the door wagging his little white tail whenever I come home, no matter how long I've been gone. He used to snuggle up to my legs when I watched television, or rested his head right on the laptop keyboard when he wanted more attention. He'd even lay on fabric I was cutting out on the floor to let me know I was neglecting him. He howled at music with lots of trumpets and brass, or when I sang a particularly high aria. I think it was because he liked it, but we could never be certain! He absolutely adored M&M's peanuts, and he would stand up on his hind legs and "dance" whenever he wanted anything- especially M&M peanuts! He always barked at the UPS truck passing by, and absolutely could not contain himself when the mailman came by. The neighbor's cat also drove him batty. He would just dream of getting free and getting a shot at that cat- until one day when he actually was able to get the door opened. He went tearing after that cat, and then the cat turned around to face him. I think there were actual skid marks on the sidewalk where his feet screeched to a halt when he realized that cat might come at him! It was the funniest thing I've ever seen! He loved to sit and watch out the window all day long. I always knew when someone was coming because he'd let me know before the doorbell rang. I'll probably miss a lot more visitors now that I might not know they are here! About a year and a half ago he started to be in pain. He had arthritis and it was slowing him down. WE got him on medication and he was back to his old self again. But over this last winter he began to slow down. He couldn't jump up on the bed anymore. He had to take several tries to even get up on the couch. (It was pretty funny to watch!) About 3 weeks ago he woke up shaking. HE was clearly in pain, and just went downhill from there. He just lay around all day and looked depressed. Pain pills weren't helping him anymore. Then a few days ago his back legs started to give out, and it only got worse. 2 days ago I took him out for a little walk. It took us 45 minutes to get around one block. I think he knew it was his last walk, and he did not want to come back in the house although he was clearly in pain, and exhausted. I let him walk as far as his little legs would go. Last night was his worst night. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't lay down- it hurt too much. He just sat and panted, and nudged his little nose into my hand everytime I fell asleep on the floor in his room, or stopped petting him. Finally, after a large dose of pain medication, he was able to relax and sleep. Then, today, we loaded him up in the car and took a beautiful drive to Logan where the vet put him to sleep. I held his little head close to mine and whispered to him as the drugs went through his little body. He suddenly became very calm and peaceful. IT was so fast. It was over. I don't know what I will do now without my little Nappy. I hope he knows how much he was adored. I sure will miss him. Thank you for sharing your wet kisses, Nappy. I love you.

Feeling sorry for myself...

My poor Nappy dog is not doing well. He's had arthritis for the last year or so, and his medication has really helped up until now. However, a few weeks ago he started really struggling. Now, he has a hard time walking, he's skittish and yelps whenever you make any sudden moves around him, he puts off going outside for as long as possible, and dreads going up and down the stairs. He's not his normal, happy self anymore. He just lays around all day long, and just looks depressed.

I'm having trouble coming to grips with the fact that it's probably time to let him go. I don't want him to suffer anymore. But I've had him for over 12 years, and I've become quite attached to the little guy. I love that he greets me whenever I come through the front door with a wagging tail- as though I've been gone for a long time, even if I've only gone out to water the flowers. I love how he would snuggle up next to me while watching television. He would always seem to sense when I wasn't feeling well and just lay near me, quietly content and not bugging me for treats or to be let outside. He loved it when I would "tuck him in" at night, taking him to his bed in my son's room and petting him before I left the room. (Now, all he wants to do is be at my side at all times. He even sneaks into our room after our light is out and lays on the floor next to my side of the bed.)

So, we're saying our goodbyes. I don't know how much longer we'll have him, but I don't think it will be long. I'm just struggling right now with the temporary nature of it all. Is this our last Thursday together? How many more times will I get to pet his soft little head? Do I even order his next prescription of pain meds?

Ugh. I am just having a hard time right now. :(

Embrace the chocolate...

I've come to accept some things about myself that I cannot change. Ok, well...I'm trying to accept these things.It doesn't come easy for a stubborn girl like me. Things such as- The size of my house, the fact that we are not moving any time soon, my thinning hair, we only have one child, I'll never be fantastic at housekeeping, I'll never be tall and thin, and I'm closer to 40 than I'd care to admit.

I am also trying to do something about the things that I never thought I could or would change, but I actually CAN do something about with a little (or a LOT) of work and planning. Things like: organize my closets and laundry room, make and STAY on a budget,Stock my food storage, get fit and healthy-ish, make weekly menus and stick to them, have great looking cuticles. (Ok, that last one really should go on the "cannot change" list. It is completely unrealistic for me to expect the impossible.)

So far I am working on the fit and healthy-ish goal. I started this insane workout called, of all things, "Insanity". It is kicking my heiny across the floor and back again, but I feel great after I've done it. (Ok, well, a while after I do it I feel great. Right after I do it I feel like puking my guts out and lying prostrate on the floor until next week.) I'm not going for any particular "size" goal or weight loss goal, except that I fully expect that all this butt busting will at least trim something off. But I do want to be able to hike and ride bikes and enjoy life when I am much older. I want to be that 40 year old woman that people say "No! There's no way you look 40" and they really mean that they think I look younger, not that they're astonished I'm not older. (Although, I have learned that it really matters what kind of bra you buy. Really! The higher the girls are, the younger you look. However, if you're 60 and wearing a push-up... well, that's just sad.)

The biggest problem with getting fit and healthy-ish, is the "ish" part. I do love food, I won't deny it. I absolutely love eating healthy- I love veggies, lean meats, fish... love it all. But I also love chocolate, and cake, and warm chocolate chip cookies on a rainy day. In comes the "ish" part. I just don't know if I can give up the yummy stuff altogether. So, eating smaller portions and fewer "treats" is my goal for now. I did, however, finally resort to putting all the leftover Easter candy in the dark recesses of my pantry today in an effort to stop snarfing all the whipped chocolate eggs in one sitting. Now if I can just make myself forget they are there... hmmm..... how to do that, I'm not sure....

As for organizing and budgeting? Well, I can't expect perfection all at once. And that, my friends, is something I know I cannot change. I can't be perfect. Period. So I will embrace my faults today. With chocolate. Now, where did I put that again...