Ugh..... then some soul searching

I'm exhausted, and its friday.

Its been a busy week- school starting, PTA planning, tomato canning, zuchini bread making, salsa canning, floor mopping, parent-teacher conferencing, dentist going, cavity finding, Avon selling.....sheesh!

I am NOT superwoman, nor shall I EVER be... EVER!

I've been feeling discouraged about that today, how some women can juggle a million things and still be vibrant and vivacious. I wish I could be like that. Oh, I can put on a happy face and perk up for company, but you don't see the closets stuffed with the dirty laundry I didn't have a chance to get to.

I've decided, however, that I can only be who I am. I can wish I were taller, thinner, naturally blonder, wittier, more organized-er, but no matter what I do, there are things that will inherantly always be me. I can put on heels, but I'll always be 5'3". I can dye my hair, but I'll always have those sneaking grays lurking. I can watch Audrey Hepburn movies 'til the cows come home and wish I was that elegant, that refined, but I really am limited by nature. I am who I am. All I can do is be the best "me" that I can.

I used to love it when I'd catch a deep chest cold. My voice would get deeper, more sultry. I loved that! I always wanted a deep sexy voice I could drip all over people while wearing a curve-hugging red dress. I was born with a high soprano voice- pure and simple fact. I can't go around licking doorknobs and hoping I'll catch a cold so I can be the sultry one again. Nope- I'm born to be a soprano. But that's not so bad.

So, I can feel sorry for myself, or I can say "This is who I am- take it or leave it." One person took it, and he's a fabulous husband- so patient and loving, and he makes me laugh. He loves me for who I am, and I think he knows who that is better than I do sometimes. He reminds me that I am all he needs, or wants, and that I am enough.

I'm glad for that- to be "enough". Short, mood hair, chipped nail polish, disorganized, speak- before- I- think, little me.

Today, I am enough- imperfections and all.

Avon calling.... eeeeek!

Well, I've done it.

I've signed up to sell Avon.

I love the makeup, really I do! But the memory of my mom's Avon "man" haunts me to this day. He (yes, it was really a man! I know!) used to come to our house and plop himself down on our living room floor, spreading his wares out all across our floor. He also sold Amway, and Jaffra... and... well, I can't remember it all. But I would stand there staring in complete confusion whenever he'd come. A guy selling Avon??? However, he did have TONS of mini trial lipsticks which I just loved. But should your Avon representative have plumber's butt?

Anyway, I signed up because I love the makeup and I figured I might as well get the seller's price. That's it. And, no, I don't have plumber's butt!

So, if you're interested in trying Avon, or love Avon and don't currently have a rep, go ahead and click here. I promise not to spread my wares across your living room, or flash you my moon!

Something's wrong.... it's too quiet around here!

He's gone.

My little buddy left me this morning at 8:15 for school.

3rd grade! I REMEMBER 3rd grade!!!! I was way older than my little guy when I was in 3rd grade! (Ok, not really... it's not like I was held back in kindergarten until I was 12 or anything!) But, in my head I was older.

I found out his old girlfriend is in his class this year. They have been "together" since kindergarten, except for a little bump in their "relationship" last spring when he accidentally hit her in the head with a ball at recess and they broke up. (this is insane! I never did this when I was a kid! Ok, there was that Eddie Fisher incident in 3rd grade when I screamed out over the kick-soccer field that I loved him and wanted to be the mother of his children. He avoided me after that for some odd reason. Hmmm..... can't think why.)

After the ball incident he wasted no time asking another girl to be his girlfriend. When they saw eachother during the summer one day she shyly whispered "are we still... you know?" to which he replied coolly, "Ya. It's not over until I say it's over." Kinda freaky, actually. Like that afterschool special when the boyfriend doesn't want his girlfriend to leave him so he threatens to kill her. Still, I wanted to laugh, but couldn't let him know I had heard, you know. I want him to feel comfortable coming to me someday to let me know he is interested in a girl and may want to.... hold her hand. (I expect that won't be until he's at least.... 30... but it's good to be prepared, right?)

So, who knows what drama will unfold today when Kristin finds out he's "with" the other girl, or if he'll just toss the new girl aside. This is WAY more interesting than "Days of Our Lives" ever was! Well, except for when Marlena got amnesia, or was it abducted by aliens? I can't remember exactly. I missed a lot of Psych 101 because of that, though.

I will wait on the edge of the couch for when my little guy comes home today. (Yes, He has asked me if I will please let him walk home alone. He didn't say it was too embarrassing to have me pick him up yet, so that's good. And he even gave me a kiss when I left him at school today, albeit a very short one, and he took off running after his friends as soon as it was finished. I think they understood, though. They also had moms not ready to release them from their duty as a good son. They gave him a look as if to say- "Ya, dude- we got at least another year, too, before our mom's can make it through the day without a goodbye kiss. I hear ya-"

So? What will I do with my new-found solitude? Well, I've got 15 tomato plants overflowing with ripe juicy tomatoes, and a pile of ironing I've put off for about 2 weeks, so there'll be no sitting on the side of the bathtub with my head in my hands sobbing over the loss of my baby to the jaws of that great and spacious building down the street. Not this year.

There is a bit of peace that comes from knowing I won't have to entertain, give orders, remind not to do somethings, remind to do other things, poke, prod, and generally lose my patience all too early in the morning anymore. That doesn't come until 3! For now, I think I'll just enjoy the peace and quiet- and then get back to work.

Was it worth it??? I wonder...

We decided to spontaneously take a trip up north to Providence over the weekend to spend some time with my husband's family, and a little with my own. They were all going to Bear Lake on Saturday which sounded like a great way to end the summer. So, we packed up the car and went up Friday night. That's when things started to go south!

We left much later than we had originally planned- I know, what's new? Traffic wasn't too bad, though. We were going to go straight to my mom's house to spend the night, but we ended up stopping off at the in-laws and we stayed, and stayed, and stayed... until I finally called my mom and told her we'd be sleeping at the in-laws instead. I had no problem sleeping there, but I HATE when things aren't planned well, or plans get suddenly changed. IT really drives me crazy!

We woke up at 8, and were supposed to go out to breakfast, but my hubby had a raquetball game planned for 9, and by the time we were all ready, it was 9 and he had to go play raquetball with his dad so that blew breakfast. I ended up taking bagels to my mom's while he was "supposedly" going to play raquetball. An hour and a half later I got a call from him saying they were ready to go to the lake and to come home quickly. WE were going to leave at 11:40. OH, and incidentally, they never went to play raquetball!

I immediately stop what I am doing at my mom's and race home to be ready to leave by 11:45. But, wait! We get a phone call from the rest of the family- everyone wants to have lunch first, so we aren't leaving for another hour! We decided to leave anyway and do some browsing in the little gift shops by the lake. Just as we get out to go into the first gift shop, we see the family all drive by! They call us- Time to go to the lake! They ended up not taking as long at lunch, so we piled into the car again and headed toward the lake.

Bang! Swooosh- swoosh-swoosh-swoosh..... we hit a pothole and blew our tire out! After changing to the donut, we tried to find a tire place but there were none. My son and I got dropped off at the lake to play while hubby went to get the tire fixed. And hour and a half later he finally shows up to play at the lake.

Ugh!!!! We did end up having fun at the lake, I'll admit it. But I never even got into my bathingsuit, I was so upset from how the day had gone. Everyone else had fun, though, and I enjoyed the relaxing time, and chatting with my sis-in-laws. When we finally left the lake, we went to go get the famous shakes they have there and the line was over an hour wait! Every shake place we went to was the same so we had to bag it! Boo!!!

All in all, would I do the weekend over again if I knew it would go that way? Probably not. I prefer things to be well planned. Yes, I can handle a little hiccup in the schedule, but I don't like not knowing from one minute to the next what is going to happen.

However, since I am not a fortune teller, or a member of the Dion Warwick psychic friends network (although a lot of good it did them!) I will just have to go with the flow and take whatever the universe dishes out! But, so help me, if anything goes wrong on our cruise to Mexico I'm throwing in the towel!!!!

Yet another view of my psychotic, unrealistic side for you to enjoy at your leisure...

Want to know something?

I am a complete psychotic freak! Yep. It's true. Oh, you say you already knew that? Well, then this post will not be anything new to you.


I am self-diagnosing today. The topic for my contemplation is "Why I internally freak out whenever I have to leave home for any extended period of time". The fuel for this question is my upcoming cruise to Mexico. It all became clear to me while observing my adorable niece the other day. She always gets sick whenever they leave town. I realized she is exactly like me- It is prompted by anxiety!


When I was a little girl, whenever my friends would have a slumber party I would get so excited about it. However, after being there for a few hours I would begin to feel sick to my stomach. Every time! Eventually it would get so bad I would call home and have my mom come pick me up. I think I actually spent the entire night at someone else's house less than 5 times total. I know, pathetic!

Whenever my family would take trips anywhere when I was a kid, I would inevitably end up getting sick on the trip. Yep- every time! Even when I went on tours with my high school choirs and college choirs I would get sick. It would manifest itself differently when I got older- I would ALWAYS lose my voice- ALWAYS! But the result was the same- I was always sick.

It seems I've gotten over my physical display of symptoms when I go on trips now, which is a relief, but I still have some real issues with leaving home. Last year when we were getting ready for Europe, for about 6 months I was thinking of ways to get out of it. Even up until the day before we left I was panicky and jittery and nervous. My stomach was doing flip-flops, and it wasn't until I actually got over to England safely that I began to feel a little better.

Now, as I am looking forward to my cruise to Mexico, I am finding myself exibiting the same signs- anxiety, nervousness, jitters, icky stomach. I love going on trips, but for some reason it freaks me out.

So? What does this mean? Well, I haven't gotten that far yet. No, I will not cancel my trip. No, I won't stop going out of town- I need to face my fears head on and be a man! (I mean, a woman!)

And, no- it doesn't mean that I will be going up very tall buildings and looking down to overcome my fear of heights, too. What do you think I am? Crazy???

The "lists"...

I am a big list maker. I make lists for everything- groceries, things to do, places to go, errands to run- I even make lists for lists I need to make! (This is sad, but true!) It's the only way I can stay remotely organized. (I said "remotely", so don't go thinking I'm that organized to begin with!)

My list of things to get done around the house is ever-growing as well. In fact, some things I've gotten done I never got around to putting on the list so I can't cross them off to feel better about myself! Then, if I put them on the list to cross off, I just feel like I'm cheating.

My house to-do list is as follows:

Paint house*
paint awnings*
take down kitchen cabinets
refinish cabinets
order kitchen window
clean off back patio
dig up tree in yard and replant
cut down trumpet vine taking over our house before we are all consumed
finish making couch cover before what I've already done needs to be re-re-done!
install shelves in laundry room*
paint living room
paint basement (all rooms)
tile basement kitchen
put new kitchen counters in both kitchens*

*denotes jobs someone else will have to do!

I would have put "get new windows" on there but we already did that and, like I said, it's like cheating. Also, I would be able to check off "get dishwasher", but that was also done before it made the list.

Now I'm off to make a grocery list, and a back to school list. I think I need to make a list that says "stop making lists and go start getting them done!"

Oh, I need to add to my shopping list "get more shopping list paper".

You see why I'm insane???

DNA test, please....

Last night we were browsing through an adoption website. Oh, don't freak out. You know how you click on one link, and it leads you to another link, and before you know it you're not looking at shiny new pots and pans anymore but cute pictures of kids who need a home? Ok, well, it happened to me last night, ok?!

Anyway, as my husband and I were (was? were?) browsing we came across this picture of this little kid who'd been adopted by a loving family, and his name was my husband's name. Strange because his name isn't very common. Stranger, because the kid looked freakishly like my husband did when he was that age.

I exclaimed, "You were adopted?!" and he looked at me with this horrified look like, "I was?!"

Wouldn't that be freaky, though, if you found out you were adopted from some random website that had posted your picture?

It's like that after school special where the girl looks on the milk carton one day and finds out she was missing, do you remember that one? (If you EVEN dare say, what's an after school special, I'll scream!)

I still look on those little milk cartons to see if my face ever shows up. I've often thought my family was way too strange- I couldn't possibly be related!

A sweet, sentimental day...

I took my son to the park today.

It was so nice and sunny, not too hot. I sat on a bench in the shade watching the kids playing and having fun, and reading my book.

I got very melancholy. School starts in 2 weeks and I don't want to let my little guy go! He is my little miracle- my best buddy. It's been nice to have a friend to do things with every day, nice to have someone to help around the house, too!

It's hard to see him getting so big and getting older. It's hard not to have had a second chance at chasing around little chubby legs, wiping sticky cheerios off chubby cheeks. It all went by so quickly. I did everything wrong the first time. Most parents get more than one chance to get it right- to not be the neurotic, hovering 1st time parent. I don't know if I'll ever get that oportunity again, but I know I'm lucky to have had the chance at all.

Still, there is joy in watching my little guy (not really little anymore!) grow and learn. He'll be in 3rd grade this fall. I remember 3rd grade. I had my first real crush. I wrote my first story, "The Case of the Missing Head." I hope my son has a very good year and that he enjoys himself.

Although it is hard for me to let him leave me, I will be glad he is having great oportunities. And I will be waiting at home with hugs, the occasional plate of warm chocolate chip cookies, and a listening ear.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for giving me my little buddy. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be entrusted with. Thank you for letting me help shape and mold your precious spirit. (I hope I don't do too much damage!)

Oh, and thank you for the beautiful sunny day at the park!

You don't know what I'm feeling...

My husband and his sister used to do this thing when whey were little- they'd get really close to the other's ear and whisper "You don't know what I'm feeling..."- kinda creepy, I know! (so is my random punctuation- I just can't seem to remember exactly where to put commas and dashes with quotation marks... but that's another blog for another day.)

But, it's funny how often I want to do that to people I think might be judging me. Don't you ever feel like people might be judging you? Well, maybe I'm just paranoid that way. Oh, I don't feel the need to change my behavior or who I am for fear someone won't like me, but sometimes I do feel like I'm being judged wrongly. I just want to lean over and whisper "You dont' know what I'm feeling..."

Of course, then I might be judged as really creepy, which.... I would be!

My life as a blog...

It's funny how my life has changed since blogging and Facebook. People I haven't spoken to in years and years suddenly comment on my daily activities, and there are even some who've friended me on Facebook I didn't even know I knew! (Luckily, they can't tell on Facebook that you don't remember them at all! You just have to click "Accept", or not.)

Conversations at church no longer begin with "How have you been?" or "What have you been up to this week?" Rather, they go more like this: "So... I totally agree with you about such and such..." or "So... Mexico, huh?" However, I can't complain, I do it too.

It drives my husband crazy, though. People know all sorts of things about us, and when they approach him in the same manner, with no preemptive nicities... well, it throws him off guard. "How did you know we were thinking of going to Mexico?" "How did you know my son said that?" Then he remembers... oh, ya... the blog.

He refers to my blog as "The Blog", as though it were something vile and embarrassing... like the looney aunt everyone tries to keep hidden from the outside world, but who waves her bra out the bedroom window to let eveyone know she's there. (Ok, I don't actually have an aunt like this, but I often wish I did! Would I be the aunt in this analogy? Is my blog the dangling bra? Hmmm......)

My husband still speaks in the old fashioned way- "What's going on in your life?" He doesn't yet know people don't do that anymore. I don't even think the same as I used to. I think in terms of short phrases I can post on my Facebook page, or in interesting stories I can write about on my blog. Doing dishes, I'm not thinking about mundane things like what am I going to make for dinner, or what to do about my son's habit of holding his breath. No! I think in terms of, how can I word this on my blog to make it sound more interesting!


There are a lot of fictitious blogs out there as well. The trouble is, you can't always tell if they're fiction or not. I got totally caught up in this blog once- read it for hours and hours, wondering if this girl was going to end up with this guy, or another. I was completely sucked in! Then one day I happened to read her profile, which I'd not bothered to do before. I was completely taken in... it was a fictional blog! Completely made up! I am often tempted to make up stuff about my own life-- pretend it's much grander than it is, but that wouldn't let anyone down but myself. And when people started asking my husband about our trip to the Bahamas, or my new 3 karat diamond ring... well.... you can see the problem.


Ok, so maybe I think in "blog" terms, and maybe I daydream a bit... don't we all? But it's nice to know people are interested enough to read about my mundane life, and allow me to peek into theirs. Maybe someday I will become like the crazy aunt, and my blogging will become much more interesting. How long will that be? Well... I don't know yet, but I'll keep you posted!