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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The saddest story ever told...

I am a lipstick fanatic! It's true... I can totally forget to comb my hair, but if I leave the house without lipstick on, I can't function.(I never used to forget to comb my hair, though. In college, I was a fanatic about my hair being perfect and my nails colored to match my outfit. I was even late to class once because my nails totally clashed with a sweater I had put on. I really wanted to wear the sweater, so I redid my nails. Well, I had to catch a husband, didn't I?) Ok, back to the lips. I keep some in the car, in my purse, by my front door, my bedroom, and the bathroom. My lips scream out in panic when I don't put it on. Sometimes, when I'm in my pajamas, I catch a glimpse of my naked lips in the mirror and at least put on tinted lip gloss. So, you can see my problem when I realized I was almost out of my favorite lipstic- the stuff I wear religiously every single day.

I got online to order some more of my favorite lipstick in the world. It was the perfect everyday shade- not too pink, not too brown, not too dark- just right. I almost cried when I first put it on- it was the most perfect lipstick in the whole wide world, and I had it! Much to my dismay, when I got online, I found it had been discontinued- cancelled! What about me? I asked in horror?

I rallied a few moments later, and proceeded to order some other promising shades, similar to my favored shade, and anxiously awaited their arrival, as though Santa was bringing it himself! I checked the shipping tracker every day, several times a day, to see it's progress across the country to my little home. Finally, yesterday, it came! I wasn't here when it arrived- ironically I was at the post office- but when I got home, there it was: the cute little box full of liplicious goodness.

My fingers trembled as I carefully opened the package. My pulse quickened as I removed the bubble wrap and brochures. I began to panic a bit when I got closer to the bottom and hadn't yet found the treasures within, but my fears were soon put to rest as I removed a bundle of bubble wrap with the little tubes inside.

I fumbled trying to remove the protective plastic outer wrapping from each tube. Oh, Rosewine! I have been looking forward to our meeting... Oh, and Terracotta- how divine you will look with my green shirt...

I hastilly removed the lid from Rosewine and carefully smoothed the stick up over the contours of my arched lip, and down around my lower lip. It glided on like melting butter over warm rolls. Suddenly, my stomach lurched- What?! No... No, it can't be! Quickly, I grabbed a tissue and wiped it off. Desperately, I grabbed the Terracotta and tugged the lid off, smearing it over my lips in a much less careful way. No no no no no no.... I repeated. No! It can't be! I compared the two colors side by side, one was a bit more pink than the other, but both very similar, and both made me look like a 90 year old corpse in a mortuary all done up for her funeral.

I was devastated. I cleared the nasty thought from my head and reapplied the lipstick. Maybe I was looking at it wrong. I turned my head from side to side. No use, there was the corpse looking back at me in "funeral pink" lipstick.

Hopelessly I replaces the lids, slowly wrapped them back in the bubble wrap, placed them in the box, and sealed their fate and mine with strapping tape. I felt closer to the dad in A Christmas Story when the Bumpus hounds sneak into the kitchen and ravage the much anticipated turkey, leaving him weeping and desolate on the floor, clutching the last remaining wing. My hopes of gloriously smooth and perfectly tinted lips dashed to pieces.

I will venture to the drug store today to try to salvage what is left, if anything, of my self esteem. I probably won't comb my hair, though.

Sniff.... sniff....


Lauren said...

I used to wear this great lipstick shade caller "Cyber", and it was discontinued. I think I am too old to pull it off now anyway. It was a very interesting purplish blackish blueish iridescent color. It rocked!

Andrea said...

Personally, I'm not a lipstick wearer, but, it's a sad story that is all too frequent. I have this eye shadow that I only use on special occasions, because it's been discontinued. Why do they do it?