A flabby, gullible patriot- no more!

I hate those stupid advertisements that are usually on the side bar of my email's homepage whenever I open it. There are always ridiculously doctored up pictures of a women who's face is all wrinkled and sagging. The caption below usually says something like: Her face before she used the _______ miracle treatment. Then the picture magically transforms into this youthful woman (i.e. preteen) with gorgeous, flawless skin. "Her face after using ___________ miracle treatment." Like we're actually supposed to believe there is a skin cream out there anywhere on the planet that can transform a 96 year old lady who's smoked her entire life and never spent a day indoors into a somehow skinnier, 80 years younger looking model??? How stupid do they think I am???

Oh... the one that shows the girl with horribly gelatinous cellulotic thighs (cellulotic? I made that up, but it works, doesn't it?) gets me every time. Her legs magically transform into firm, tan, oiled up model's legs. Funny how her tummy and butt in those tight Daisy Dukes look exactly the same in both pictures, though. That poor woman, to have such great abs and horribly disfigured old lady legs! Sure glad she got that miracle cream to make them all smooth and perfect! Where can I get some?

Still, I have to say my absolute favorite ad is the one that has the heading "Obama tells wives to go back to school". The pictures below that heading are ever changing, but always feature a very thin, obviously athletic woman in shorts that are waaaaay to short for a mom to be wearing, a wife-beater shirt (which is really just ridiculous and ironic, isn't it?) and doing some sort of activity like sit-ups, jumping jacks, or pole dancing. I can only conclude that he wants us wives to go back to school to get a degree in something useful, like aerobics instruction, or exotic dancing, perhaps? Maybe the nation's ills would all be fixed if there were more hot moms willing to don wife beaters and pole dance for the country.

So, I guess I'd better get me some of that miracle cream. Several tubs, in fact- for my face, my abs, my rear, my legs- well.... never mind for what. Then, I'm goin back to school to get my pole-dancing diploma so I can do my part to make this a better country!